{Originally published on Diet Coke-Fueled Life.}

I was going to write about working and respecting bosses. About how sometimes they make decisions you don’t agree with, but you suck it up and play the game. About how you don’t send nasty emails to someone who’s overseeing a project you’ve been invited to work on, especially when you’re in the wrong, and the project manager is awesome (me).

That lead to the only time I’ve not sucked it up. The time I stopped playing the game and stood up for something.

In July 2002, a co-worker, Ally Zapp, left her job at US SAILING to pursue other opportunities. Two days later, she was murdered. I was the PR person at the time, so I had the horrible job of fielding reporters’ questions while in full-metal shock along with everyone else. Although a national organization with international ties, only a couple dozen people worked in our offices, so we all knew each other well. We all loved Ally; she was so darned nice. One of those people you couldn’t possibly be mad at for anything. One of those people who made a difference. I wished I could be even a tiny bit like her.

Rather than showing our love and support for her and her family on July 18, our organization offered up a platitude along the lines of wishing her family the best in a difficult time. Local media. National media. That was all I was allowed to say. And I kept saying it, apologizing at the same time for not being able to offer more. I was worried about my job.

Finally, an AP reporter I’d already spoken to half a dozen times told me a rumor was circulating around the media outlets that we weren’t saying anything more because she had done something wrong at her position–that’s why she left the job, that’s why our lips were sealed.

I put him on hold. I got up, shut my door, returned to the caller. I told him if I said something on the record, I’d lose my job. As a mom and a wife whose husband rarely worked, losing my job would have meant losing a lot more.

When I knew Ally, I was in a new and already unhappy marriage. I had a handful of good, close friends he bad-mouthed every chance he got, pulling me away from them, and away from my close-knit family. He and my son didn’t get along. On top of that, US SAILING was going through a major upper-echelon overhaul, causing mounds of unhappiness and stress. And my best friend was moving two states away. I was in a bad, bad place all around.

I gave the AP reporter the contact information for the part time job she also held, a stationery store, if I’m remembering correctly. I told him we loved her and were all devastated. I told him no way could she ever have done anything wrong. I didn’t tell him there was no way I could stay at this job when I had to hide to share the good things.

On her last day, I had the chance to say goodbye to Ally, but I didn’t. I’d just had an argument with my then-husband and didn’t think I’d be able to handle her kindness, her happiness. I didn’t say “see you later” or “good-bye” or take one of the hugs she gave everyone. I have few regrets in my life. This is not only one of them, this is the biggest and strongest.

I left the job soon after.

I’ve been thinking about Ally a lot lately. I don’t know why. We’re coming up on the seven year anniversary of her death, although I didn’t realize that until I just looked it up. I’ve been thinking about how she surrounded herself with people she loved, how she lived a genuinely happy life.

I’ve also spent a lot of time lately thinking about the people I have in my life. About how I’ve finally surrounded myself with people I love. I rarely let anyone get away without a hug. How I’m finally living my own genuinely happy life. And I have Ally to thank for it. I only wish she were here to share it.

Here is a link to The Ally Foundation.

Mission: The ALLY Foundation’s mission is to prevent opportunities for violent sex offenses, to educate the public and advocate for necessary changes in culture, attitude and policy.

Vision: Our vision at The ALLY Foundation is that of a society with No More Victims. The Foundation believes it can assist the greater community in achieving this common ideological aspiration by first stopping all known sex offenders from reoffending.We have the knowledge about how to best proceed, but need more action in the fight against sexual violence. The Foundation seeks to quickly advance this important social movement.

Editor’s Pick by Dr. Karen Rayne from Adolescent Sexuality: This post was my first introduction to Diet Coke-Fueled Life, and I was immediately touched by the honesty and rawness of what Penny had to say.  As a sex educator, I find that there is mass lack-of-understanding around sexual violence, and I work every day to push back against this harmful ignorance.  Read Penny’s original post here.