How to Put a Child Down for Sleep
{Originally published on Foolery.}
The ability to put a child down to sleep for the night is one of the most important skills one can attain as a parent or babysitter. It is also the most elusive one.
Let’s start with bathroom stuff. First up: go to the bathroom. No, not you, though with the amount of time this operation will take, you may want to consider it first.
Get the child to go potty. Plan to run water in the sink for the child to spur her imagination — at least enough water to wash a Suburban with. Don’t be at all surprised if child announces a secondary plan, for which more time and toilet paper will be necessary.
After the toilet is flushed, the child will attempt to escape, but you must INSIST that the child first wash her hands. This usually involves at least as much water as you ran to make her tinkle, and about a quarter of that will end up on the counter and floor.
Before the child can run away, grab her by the waist and say, “Time to brush your teeth!” as brightly yet firmly as you are able with a squirmy, uncooperative and toothbrush-hating child in your grasp. You must let go long enough to uncap the toothpaste. After you’ve experienced once or twice chasing your child through the house while forgetting you have uncapped toothpaste in hand, you’ll be smarter and have the toothbrush loaded and ready to go while she’s washing her hands. This works even better once she has become territorial about the toothpaste, insisting upon doing the squeezing herself. (Don’t sweat the mess; you have to mop up after the hand-washing anyway.)
I like to allow the child to brush her own teeth, emphasizing “Don’t swallow the toothpaste — spit it!” about every five seconds. Plan to be spat upon. It also helps to pick a funny little tune to la-la while you brush her teeth: a personal favorite is the theme music to the old Benny Hill show, Yakkety Sax. This will not be your child’s favorite, however.
Once the bathroom is staged for a hose-out, it’s time to go back to your child’s room to get her dressed. “Clean fresh undies first!” is the rule at our house. Selecting the perfect pair of Cinderella or Barbie panties will take your child about as long as an Act of Congress. If your child is still in diapers, thank your lucky stars . . . unless, of course, the diapers have cute cartoons on them, which the child will want to pick from. In that case, Congress is in session again.
Jammies are next. We keep ours under the pillow, but I warn you that the child will NEVER remember this fact. She will empty her jammie drawer if you’re not paying attention, digging through to find her favorites.
Once the child is in bed — FINALLY — it’s time for the entertainment portion of our show. We usually have one book per child, and, of course, each child gets to pick her book. Expect tears. If it’s too late for reading, we at least have songs. Lights out, and each girl gets to pick two, three, or four songs, depending upon available time. We have a large and varied catalogue from which to select our songs, but they rarely fail to include at least two Christmas songs. All year round. Get used to it. They will NOT be dissuaded.
Goodnight hugs are next, but don’t be surprised if over time you develop a ritual from which there must be no deviation. For instance, we start with a Big Fat Hug, then a Big Fat Kiss. Then there must be a Pat-Pat-Pat on the head (Pat-Pat-Patent Pending). On silly nights I may throw in a Zrrbbtt or two, which is just a tummy raspberry. Then a Nose-Nose-Nose, which I called an Eskimo kiss when I was little. Then a One Big Eye, for which you place foreheads and noses together so you are each staring at a cyclops up close. You must chant “ONE BIG EYE!” as you do this, or it doesn’t count. If there’s really a lot of time, you can throw in a Reach For The Sky, which is really just underarm tickling. Then the ritual closes with a Hardware Store, which Uncle Mantel Man invented. Place the palm of your hand on the child’s head, and vibrate it like a paint can shaker at Home Depot. Hardware Store. Oh, and you have to yell, “Hardware Store!” as you do this.
Plan for several extra hugs and kisses. Say goodnight and leave the room.
But you’re not done yet. Oh no — now comes the litany of complaints. “Mama, you forgot to turn on the night light!” After this faux pas is corrected and you’re comfortably engaged in your next activity, you’ll hear, “Mama! I want a drink of water. You forgot my drink of water!” So you trudge to the kitchen to wash out some cups; take care to drop in an ice cube because you don’t want to forget the ice cube. Trudge trudge trudge. “Thank you, Mama. Mama? Did you remember the ice cube?”
So you think you’re home free? Well, you’re not. Not unless your child has a better memory than my two girls’. “Mama? I want a toy.” Now, it’s best to establish strict rules about the number of toys your child is allowed to sleep with. When I get lax they climb all over me, so I have to hold firm at TWO TOYS. Find a number and stick to it. 25 is a number, but unless you have gifted your child with a California king bed, sleeping with 25 toys is not realistic. No, our rule is two toys. And nothing with sharp edges. As fun as it may be, you just can’t sleep with that school bus, Sparky.
I didn’t address bath time, which has its own set of joys and sorrows. These are the basics, but I’m sure you’ll find your own variations. You’ll find yourself yelling sentences you couldn’t even have composed BK (Before Kids). Sentences like, “If you kick the wall ONE MORE TIME I’m gonna CLOSE THIS DOOR TIGHT!” or “Stop singing or I’ll CLOSE THIS DOOR TIGHT!!” and even “Santa Claus is DONE watching you! He’s SICK AND TIRED OF THIS and he recommended that I CLOSE THIS DOOR TIGHT!!!!” Find the threat that works and stick to it.
Some variations we’ve gone through include “Pretend To Sleep On Me, Mama,” “I’m Scared That The Owl Will Get Me, Mama” and the current “Please Play ‘Route 66′ And ‘Mona Lisa,’ Mama.”
That’s all. It’s a cinch, right? Oh, excuse me; gotta go. Someone needs to go to potty again.
Editor’s Pick by MommyTime at Mommy’s Martini. Foolery is often a laugh riot, largely because she is so startlingly observant about the little quirks in people. When she’s not writing about her daughters (in fact, less than a quarter of her posts seem to feature them), you will find her writing about everything else under the sun — from tutorials on Carmen (yes, the opera) to the wildly ridiculous Nick Asshat series, each post featuring at least one fabulous image of a donkey in a hat, and each resonating with the humor and pathos of dating The Worst Boyfriend Ever (her description, not mine). I love reading Foolery both for her humor and for the way that she manages to stay so true to her own voice: when she’s serious, you know it’s important, and when she’s funny, you can snort with laughter unabashedly. Do yourself a favor, subscribe to Foolery now.
Editor
Mommy Time
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November 11th, 2008
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Category:
Author-Foolery, Channel- Family, Editor- MommyTime, Family, Featured 2, Mothers, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Tuesday 2, humor
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Every bit is true! I especially liked “Selecting the perfect pair of Cinderella or Barbie panties will take your child about as long as an Act of Congress.” Absolutely, ‘ilarous!
Foolery is a flippin’ comedy genius !!
I love Foolery! Hardware Store? Why didn’t I think of that….
Mental P Mamas last blog post..My Favorite Email
I love her! She has a great sense of humor. She’s been in my reader for some time now. Congrats on being featured Foolery!
Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommys last blog post..100 (Late) Things About Me for My 200th Post
This nails it for me. Only thing missing is that you should have a shot of espresso before beginning this hour + ritual. Or, like me, you’ll wind up passed out in your child’s bed.
As a longtime fan of Foolery, I can say that she writes with expertise and conviction — not just about children, but on hard-hitting topics like riding a pregnant horse. Go visit!
I love it! Foolery is freakin’ fabulously funny! She hits the nail on the head every time…even while climbing haystacks in 3 inch heels.
Go check out her blog right now!
Cactus Petunias last blog post..thursday’s photo
Genius. I am not at all surprised though…I am a fan.
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..This potluck is brought to you by the letter A
BWahahhaaa! So good and So true! Love it!!
Foolery gets her due! She’s one of the funniest bloggers out there.
This particular post is hysterical because it’s so dang true (except the Hardware Store part. I’m still trying to get my head around that one)
One Big Eye!
Deb
Mommy Blogs - Not just for Mommies anymore!!
I remember this one! It was one of my favorites! So glad to see it get its just due here on BlogNosh!
(Off now to pee before bedtime)
bejewells last blog post..My Own Private Veteran
Helpful hints, but we had boys. I was always big and ugly, and GO TO BED!!!!! usually did the trick.
At least, it did the second time, IF I was simultaneously removing my belt.
Amazingly acurate and well written. Just perfect.
Absolutely my favorite blogger. And what clever children. Must take after their
grandmothers!
I can always count on Foolery for a fresh twist on any kind of story. I agree–check her out!
You can’t believe the huge smile on my face today. Thanks so much for publishing me, BlogNosh, and MommyTime! and thanks to all who read and left comments.
– Laurie
Okay, you’re creepin’ me out — this is totally MY HOUSE EVERY NIGHT. Minus the Yakkity Sax maybe. We sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
I love love LOVE Foolery! MommyTime’s right — if you’re not reading her yet, subscribe NOW — she’s hilarious.
mommypies last blog post..Troop 3447 gets crafty. Or an old lady loses her mind. Both involve diapers.
I would have sworn you’ve been voyeuristically peeking in the windows of my house at bedtime, so close is your account to what goes on each night in my home… but you left out the part about placing the child in a full-Nelson and ramming the toothbrush into the back of his mouth, so as to ensure the entire day’s worth of candy is brushed out of his molars, so I know you couldn’t have been watching me.
Close, though!
Megs last blog post..Target Corp. October Sales Down: Coincidence?
oh … the mention of Barbie panties brought back a lot of fond memories for me, but I finally had to throw them out when I put on that last 5 pounds.
(Late 2007, as I recall….)
Bob Clevelands last blog post..Why Should The "Good Guys" Win?
Excuse me, I’d leave a brilliant comment but it’s time for the seventh trip back upstairs…bedtime started 3 hours ago.
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Foolery is always wonnerful! She’s a must read! Absolutely love her style.