What do you owe the public?
{Originally Posted at Mom to the Screaming Masses}
Last week we had our big fishing trip. We took a meal with us, thinking that there might be an eating space nearby. And there was, and so while we set everything up, the kids sat under the gazebo and ate. When the lines were set up and the bait had been (euw!) prepped, we called them out to us and they came running. All except Riley. Often, Riley doesn’t join in, preferring to keep to herself. That’s fine with me. I don’t force her to join in - often, that’s counterproductive to our family enjoyment.
So we were fishing, or, rather the family was fishing and I was watching, because, euw! She strolled from the fishing area to the gazebo, bit her hamburger and walked back. Lather, rinse, repeat. She sang songs to herself and played finger games, stopped to admire some flowers, climbed on the bench and called to me often. When she wasn’t next to me, I kept my eye on her most of the time, flipping from “watch me fish, Mom!” to watching her play. She was satisfied to be alone. In short, it was a time that worked for her. She was content, and that’s a state I strive for. I relaxed, admiring the boats docked in the marina and waving to a woman who walked by with her medium sized dog on a leash.
Until I heard her scream, and scream, and scream - long, ear piercing, heart rending screams that seemed follow each other - as soon as one ended, she began again, without taking a breath. Wondering what in the world was going on, thinking maybe she’d been hurt, I looked around frantically. I couldn’t see her at first. I got up and ran over to the gazebo, where I could hear her shrieking - no words, just one long, repeated scream. As I rounded the edge of the gazebo, I noticed the woman I’d seen earlier running in my direction - carrying the dog leash.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. An EMPTY dog leash.
My child is petrified of dogs. As in an actual, physical fear, one that causes her to shut down and close off. And this dog was chasing her, because, in her fear and absolute insistence on escaping, she was running. Around and around the perimeter of the gazebo - and at one point, the dog CAUGHT UP TO HER AND HE JUMPED UP on her. She climbed the seat, stood on the rail, and the dog followed. The screaming didn’t stop, even when I caught up to her, even when I picked her up and held her level with my shoulders, even when the owner of the dog grabbed said dog by his collar and pulled him away.
“I’m sorry!” she said. “Why is your daughter so upset?”
Gee, maybe because your dog is chasing her, and jumping on her, and your dog outweighs my daughter by about 20 pounds, and, anyway, why is your dog loose???
“This is an area we are allowed to let our dogs run,” she explained over Riley’s screams which hadn’t abated. She screamed, took a breath, and screamed again. Her heart thumped crazily on mine, and she clung to me with all her strength, wrapping her arms around me and burying her face in my neck. I tried to get in front of her, to get eye contact, to help her calm down, but she was not listening to me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get her to stop - and then I heard it. Clearly, over the sounds of my daughter:
“What’s wrong with her?”
Which caused me to stop. And think, for just a second, and I later wondered why I did it, why I felt that I owed her an explanation, why I immediately was on the defensive, why this anonymous opinion even mattered to me - and I told her.
“She’s on the Spectrum.”
To me, it was the quickest, easiest explanation. But it brought to mind something I’ve been pondering ever since I attended the Special Needs panel at Blogher ‘08. As a parent of a child, any child, much less one on the Spectrum - how much information do you owe the public? If your kid is freaking out in the store, inconsolable in the parking lot, pulling at her eyebrows and eyelashes and screaming non stop - do you owe John Q Public an explanation? Even if your child isn’t on the Spectrum, isn’t visibly handicapped, isn’t in a wheelchair or using a prosthetic - but a normal kid who might be hungry or angry or tired -do you owe it to the public to explain yourself? My husband felt that I shouldn’t have said anything - the fault was with the loose dog, and what happens in our house is our own business. My thoughts are far different. I tell because I want to rip the shutters off, to let others know that there ARE kids with different characteristics and traits and they are the same as you and me, but may require a bit of extra work or attention. To let other families know that if they have something that’s not normal, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
It’s a conundrum, to be sure. One I don’t think I’ll EVER solve.
Editor’s pick by Michele at Sparks and Butterflies. I have been reading Carmen for approximately forever. As a parent of kids with special needs I related to this post. Quite frankly, I’m not sure that it’s a conundrum I can solve either, and I’ve struggled with the same issue. Carmen is funny, tells it like it is, and you can related to her. Go check out her blog, visit the original post, and then subscribe!
Editor
sparksfley
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September 25th, 2008
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Category:
Author - Mom to the Screaming Masses, Autism, Channel- Overcoming Adversity, Editor- Michele Sparks & Butterflies, Featured 1, Parenting, Psychology, Psychiatry, Mental Health, Thursday 1, Tolerance, special needs
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As I held BigBrother’s hand as we walked through the store while waiting to pick up his antibiotic yesterday, I kept talking loudly with him that we would pick up his medicine in a few minutes so that people would stop shooting me dirty looks for his general whining and crying. No Spectrum here but I get the whole “what the heck is that kid’s problem” looks.
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Well, honestly, I would expect a parent to not bring a child to a leashless dog park area if that child was terrified of dogs. I would expect a parent to know that dogs run and jump in such places and if their child was small to keep them within basically constant sight.
Yes, the dog owner has responsibility as well. And I’m sure the dog owner wanted to make sure her dog hadn’t injured the child. The spectrum answer wouldn’t have meant anything to me and wouldn’t have changed the circumstances of the situation the parent chose to bring their child into. Leashless dog parks are pretty few so finding a park with leash laws seems like a wiser decision than to be mad at someone that wasn’t doing anything out of normal for the area.
Kids of all sorts, have public outbursts and whereas I don’t think they need to offer explanations in most cases (cases where they are directly interacting with others being the exception)I feel it is the parents responsibility to calm them down or remove them from public. Is that inconvenient for the parent? Yes. I’ve been in situations where I had to remove the child and let’s just say it wasn’t fun at all and really messed with my plans and the plans of the other kids with me.
I am under the understanding that you were unaware you were in an where where dogs are allowed to run without a leash, something should have been posted.
However in the shoes of the dog owner, I too would have been asking “what’s wrong with her”, I would have a right to know if my dog had injured her. I am sure that was her concern, and I agree that “she’s on the spectrum” probably meant nothing to her.
HOWEVER, nor do I think she was owed any explanation other than “She’s very frightened of dogs”
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To clarify, there was absolutely no sign anywhere that this was a dog area. It was, in fact, the outer edge of a marina. A grassy area next to the boat launch area. This was the only dog that was seen in the three hours that we were there.
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No doubt she kept asking “what’s wrong with her?” because she felt badly that her dog had scared your daughter and I don’t think you owed her any explanation. Dogs shouldn’t jump on kids anyway, and if a child doesn’t like being chased and jumped upon, then it is the responsibility of the owner to discipline the dog, regardless of what kind of park it is. I know there are plenty of people who think of their dogs as their “kids”, but they are not in fact kids. They are just dogs. And for the record I would not allow my kids to chase and jump up on other kids if they were not enjoying it!
I think this is a fascinating question. What do any of us owe the public?
Personally, I think the question of whether or not Carmen knew it was a dog park is not as relevant as whether or not it was unreasonable that the dog owner asked “What is wrong with her?”
Most of us reading this post are the public, so we can put ourselves in the place of someone witnessing this event. We can ask ourselves, “What would I think if this happened to me?” Dog or no dog.
I agree that “She’s on the Spectrum” would be meaningless to most people. And perhaps that is the problem. The public is uneducated.
Would it have made a difference had Carmen said “She is on the Autism Spectrum” or simply “She has Autism.” Hell, let’s just go old school and say, “She has problems.” Well, then what?
Now let’s look at the other side of it and ask what responsibilities do the parents of children with special needs have in public situations? Should they expect the public to understand and accept? Is showing surprise at outbursts unacceptable? Should we know better?
I love posts that make you think. Thanks for sharing this with us, Carmen!
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I commented on this when you originally posted it and my thoughts haven’t changed: You owe nobody an explanation for your child. NOBODY. The exception being had it been your child harming and scaring the shit out of someone else which was specifically not the case in this instance.
Your having not been aware that having leash-less dogs around was part of the deal in that area does not excuse the dog owner from controlling her animal. I have taken plenty of animals (and children) to leash-less parks and it’s never excusable to have an animal chasing/ running/jumping/knocking down adults or children; it’s expected that you can exercise control over your pet to avoid them harming others in order for them to be trusted leash-free.
Also, ”what’s wrong with her” isn’t an inquiry about her safety and well-being. It’s asinine and condescending when it’s apparent, without explanation, that the kid is terrified.
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Yeah, the answer to her question should have been, “she’s scared of dogs” (with a muttered addition of “moron”). I think it’s pretty safe to say that a lot of small children are scared of dogs, especially ones that are larger than they are, and if this dog was chasing and jumping on her even kids who normally aren’t scared of dogs probably would be. This lady was totally wrong and should have been apologizing all over herself and asking if your daughter was hurt not asking like she was crazy. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she’s on the spectrum. All children deserve to be safe from assaults by dogs.
It’s just one more example of people not taking responsibility themselves and trying to put the blame on others.
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Wow! I can really relate to this; as long as my little one is happy and content, sometimes it is best to just leave her alone.
I have been in this type of situation, not with a dog chasing my child, as the parent of a special needs child. The looks that I get when my little one asks the same questions over and over or when she doesn’t respond to someone who says “hi” to her (first of all, we taught ALL of our children to be leary of strangers, not just the “lone” special needs child).
I would know what “on the spectrum” means, but most people who not. Are they uneducated? No. Does society, as a whole, look down on child who are special needs? Yes (or at least it seems in our area).
As far as whether an explanation is owed, I have to agree with Carmen. I, too, am a big believer in promoting children of all needs and I would have probably said something like: “She is not hurt, but afraid of dogs. Sorry for the screaming, but she is special needs and it will take me a moment to calm her down.” I have had to use explanations as simple as this for things like a family reunion (you think they would all know by now!) or an activity that is “out of her comfort zone”.
On a different note, how many times have we seen adults who rant, rave and swear (road rage comes to mind) and we think absolutely nothing about it?!!! And this is perfectly acceptable behavior for an adult (at least by most standards).
This is hard for me. I’m a dog lover & owner and also have a real sensitivity for the subject of “disabilities”, having gone to school & worked with people who were blind, were quadriplegics, had CP, etc. who have had to educate the public about their own disabilities.
I have trained my dog to be very docile and gentle around children but if a child’s scared, a child is scared. I was once afraid of dogs too, so I do understand. On several occasions I’ve been able to help kids learn how to pet dogs the right way by holding Stella’s harness very still and telling them to ask the owner first, then let the dog sniff your hand, then pet the dog on their back (knowing from Stella’s experience as a tiny pup that even if a child slaps her on the nose she will only lick them, and that she has never even attempted to jump on a child). On the other hand, I have had parents drag their child away from my dog in fear because she is part pit bull and they believe the lies about the breed. I am also sure the owner would have never let their dog off the leash if your child had initially appeared concerned about the dog when on-leash (at least I hope so). I’m hoping she was just surprised and wanted to be sure your child wasn’t hurt.
As far as what do you owe in explanation? Whatever you feel like sharing. There have been studies about disability and communication- I would be glad to dig back into my past and find them if you like- and they show that openness about disability only increases people’s understanding, friendliness and advocacy for the conditions they are told about. But it can definitely be a drag, and sometimes it’s just not going to be worth the effort. Most of the world knows what Autism is- whether they know the reality or a fiction- and if you say that I think it’s plenty. So is “She’s OK, please let me take care of her”- but it’s not going to improve anything, is it?
Best Wishes, lady.
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Both of my children have Autism. I have absolutely been in similar situations many, many times. I’d like to say that I am always calm, collected and treat each situation with the public as an opportunity to educate. BUT in the real world, I have been terrified, panicked, guilty, embarrassed, annoyed and any other thing that can stop me from thinking clearly.
Our first priority is always the children. The public is an afterthought. How do I handle such situations? The best I can at any given moment, just like most moms on the spectrum.
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My daughters are not on the spectrum so I cannot understand this from your point of view. From MY point of view…if I had a dog…and it jumped or chased a screaming child, I would ask you if there was anything I could do to help. When you said no, I would have taken my dog (on the leash already from the moment I caught up) and walked away. If you had said yes, I would have done whatever it took to help calm a screaming child.
I don’t care why children cry or scream. It is not something to be pondered or thought about or analyzed, it is something that needs assistance. A child’s cry demands action. Either by helping or leaving.
Your choice to explain is neither bad nor good. It was a choice in the moment.
The stranger’s choice to let the dog run was neither good nor bad, but her pressing the issue of what was wrong with your daughter made her nosey and kinda rude in my opinion. Even if she had the best of intentions.
I mean, your daughter just IS. She is beautiful, she is loved, she is on the spectrum. None of those are more factual than the others. They just are. Your choice to share facts with others is your business alone and I don’t think you should feel bad either way.
As an owner of a big dog, I can confidently say that it is the job of dog owners to ensure their dogs are well-behaved — which means no chasing people or knocking kids down even in “legal” leash free areas. Leash free doesn’t mean there are no rules about good behavior. In her position, I would have apologized profusely.
As a mother of two young kids, I also find myself apologizing profusely for their noisy disruptions in public, so perhaps I am too apologetic all around.
But her comment is rude and ill-intentioned, not one expressing concern for your daughter’s well being. All you owed her was the briefest of answers — though I do agree that “she’s terrified of dogs” would have been more effective, since most people probably won’t get what “she’s on the spectrum” means.
As parents generally, I think we owe people the courtesy of showing that we are concerned about our children’s behaviors and their possible impact on others. So, for example, we show that we genuinely try to calm a screeching child in a restaurant. We owe apologies if our children are truly disrupting or hurting someone else (e.g. in said restaurant), and we owe as much “fixing” of the situation as we can muster. We should take our children away from situations where they are really disrupting others’ enjoyment — but only to the extent that it’s possible. And, frankly, I think pretty much any outdoor venue is fair game for NOT removing a child. We DO NOT, in my opinion, owe people explanations, however. And their rudeness is no reason to think we do. You should say or do only what you feel comfortable saying or doing with/about your daughter to others, and it should be because you WANT to tell them something, not because they are trying to make you feel guilty about your daughter simply being who she is.
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My son is autistic and I have had this very same issue. We were at a baseball game and sitting in an empty row of a nearly empty section. Jack was moving along the row putting all the seats in their open position. At the end of the row, his doing this slightly disturbed the jacket of the person sitting behind the chair. He said, “What’s wrong with you, boy?!” I ignored him completely while I thought up all sorts of obscene retorts. But it stuck with me and I thought about it and have come up with what I believe to be the ideal answer (for my family): “There’s nothing wrong with him.” Because there’s not. If I feel the need to further explain, I’ll add, “He’s autistic.” If the person is being a jerk I’ll add, “What the #$@*! is wrong with YOU?”
I haven’t had a chance to use it yet.
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My dog is a small Terrier who, when given the chance, barks and chases small children. He doesn’t jump up on them and I NEVER take him places where there will be children because he can’t be trusted around them. Perhaps this dog owner should consider a similar mode of behavior. For the record, our friends daughter is terrified of dogs and screams in complete terror if she sees him at all. She not on the Spectrum at all.
But this isn’t really about the dog owner, is it? The issue is whether or not we owe the world an explanation about our children and their disabilities.
Truly, we do not OWE people explanations. The human race is wide and varied and if people don’t realize that, then perhaps they should be the ones explaining themselves. My own son is quite young, but has vision issues and cerebral palsy. When the timing is right and a person seems interested, I take the time to explain. Other times, I don’t. I think that sharing and explaining our children is difficult, but I do think that it helps others to understand and hopefully become more empathetic. Do I always feel like making the world and other people better? Nope. So I compromise and do what feels right for me and my child.
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I personally think an explanation is in order. An explanation helps other people know if they are at fault (did my dog hurt her?) or if there is something they can do (even if all we can do is get the dog the heck out of there). An explanation tells those of us who have no idea what is going on how we should react. Should we take no notice of a child who is simply being spoiled and acting up, or should we offer to help the mom whose child can’t help herself?
When someone asks what’s wrong, it’s not an accusation or a condemnation. It’s a question. Because we don’t know what’s wrong, and we don’t know what we should do.
(BTW, while I do not have a noticeably special needs child, I’m in another category that draws looks and questions — I have 7 kids. I’ve found that the vast majority of people have no malicious intent, and there’s no reason to act as though they do.)
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[...] explain a child's differences to strangers, and it sparked quite a discussion in her post What Do You Owe the Public? Hat tip to Blog Nosh for highlighting this [...]
Oh, honey, I think it was totally ridiculous for that lady to ask what was ‘wrong’ with your daughter! The mama bear in me cringes at that question, and I think I would have answered with, “ExcUSE me? What’s wrong with YOU that you let your dog attack small children and then ask insensitive questions instead of apologizing profusely?”
Any child may be afraid of a dog, and there’s absolutely no reason to explain yourself or your child.
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I tend to live life on a ‘need to know’ basis with Parker. I don’t come right out and list off everything about him and his diagnosis.
Much of it people wouldn’t understand. Not to mention that there is soooo much to list. And I know that with each thing I share tends to be the reason for yet another step backwards away from my kid.
I remember when a Mom in a baby store came up to me and Parker. Her child was about the same size as Parker. But when she asked how old Parker was and I replied, “Almost 3″, and her child was obviously about 18 months………..well, let’s just say that suddenly her ‘there’s gotta be something not quite right with that kid’ light flashed on and she couldn’t get away fast enough.
I’ve have since been known to lie about Parker’s age.
It’s just easier. And I’ve got more important things to tend to. Like fighting with my insurance company and school district to provide the basics for my child.
And sometimes I just think that instead of me always having to explain Parker, that a little bit of unconditional acceptance can go a long way.
Tammy and Parker
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http://www.5minutesforspecialneeds.com
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[...] design with a foreign flair to an exploration of what parents of children with special needs owe to the public in terms of explanations for unexpected behavior. We were all over the map, which is quite our [...]