My First Choice
Originally published on Krississippi, the Fifty First State of the Union
Another adoptive parent blogger wrote about her son’s adoption not being ’second best’ compared to having a biological child, and it got me thinking about my son’s adoption.
The fact that my FIRST choice in “how to become a parent” was to adopt (totally bypassing the very idea of doing it the ‘natural’ way) is an abstract concept that is often misunderstood…
… but I don’t feel guilty that my son was adopted.
As far as stereotypes go, I’m probably the MOST hated ‘adopter’ (at least in the anti-adoption world) in that I’m simply seen as ‘baby stealer’ - my child came to me as a first choice and I had no intentions in my lifetime (for as far back as I can remember!) to ever have a biological child.
Therefore, my fertility (or lack thereof?) had zero to do with my son’s adoption. In the eyes of certain groups not desiring a biological child further proves me to be a baby-stealer.
While some see adoption as a “second choice, that last resort” to parenting, I see my son’s adoption as simply my selfish desire to become a parent. Further, I truly believe that ALL parents who adopt do it for this singular reason, regardless of any pre-adoption circumstances that might have lead to their decision to adopt.
Although I fully admit to my naivety about the many negative aspects of a ‘closed’ adoption at the time I adopted, I have earnestly tried in the years since to educate myself and right the wrongs (or at least do my best to acknowledge the mistakes in my thought-processes) that I see. I do acknowledge my son’s losses, while also recognizing that I have lost nothing, and gained everything. I do include his family as much as possible (I spent much time and money to find his First Mother) in our discussions and celebrations about his life, even though most of his biological roots are elusive to us and is First Mother’s desire for contact is inconsistent.
While I struggle to find my way though a closed adoption (one that I chose, and only now understand the difficulties and complexities that my son and I both face) I see other adoptive parents in good, healthy and beneficial open adoptions - and yes, I’m jealous. I wish with all my heart that I could ’share’ (for lack of a more articulate word) him with who he deserves to be with.
BUT I can not change the past or how my son became my son - the fact is, I’m proud of him, and he is my son because of adoption.
Adoption was my first choice, I never thought of becoming a parent by any other means.
Krissi is one of my favorite adoption bloggers not only because of her loud and proud adoption voice but because she says it like she sees it. I love reading about her experiences, other’s comments, and her sarcastic and flippant reactions to the public and media. My First Choice is her explanation on why SHE chose adoption over giving birth.
Editor
Marcie pickelsimer
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July 3rd, 2008
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Category:
Author- Krississippi, the Fifty First State of the Union, Channel- Pregnancy, Birth, Adoption, Editor- Marci Pickelsimer, Family, Fertility, Infertility, Mothers, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, adoption
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Wow, I don’t think I’ve read a post quite like this before. I think adoption is wonderful, and I can’t imagine who would consider it bad or call her a baby-stealer. I mean, there are so many kids out there who need homes, that I applaud and appreciate anyone willing and happy to take them in. I would love to adopt, but my hubby isn’t wild about the idea. I’ll keep working on him. :o)
Very provoking post. I am a mom by birth once and adoption three times. The adoptions are closed by virtue of the fact my sons were adopted as severely abused infants through protective services.
Yes, my sons lost something I will never be able to fully understand…but they gained their lives…and I gained everything. And every day I thank God for saving my sons…and I thank God for the women who gave birth to them…I cannot hold hate for the women who birthed them…even though they abused my sons.
That anti-adoption blog above linked to “in the eyes of certain groups” is saying I would consider her a baby stealer, and thats an outright lie. That is my blog and she’s not speaking the truth.
Just wanted to clear the mis-understanding up. Wierd.
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