The one where I admit to not loving my kid.
Originally published on moosh in indy.
When the moosh came out I didn’t instantly fall in love with her.
I thought it was cool she came out with all her parts in the right place in seemingly right proportion.
But I was not in love.
I wasn’t in love with her when I brought her home.
I wasn’t in love with her three months after I brought her home.
I felt a sense of obligation to her. But I didn’t feel love.
She was pretty, yes. She had a darling smile, yes. I even liked her
sometimes. But I felt like I was going through the motions of making
sure she was fed, clothed and clean.
She felt like a job. An exhausting job that payed crap. A job that I was supposed to love.
I feel like I faked it well. But I was tormented. Everyone else was
so in love with my baby, I was not. I put up a good front though.
However there were nights I put her in the crib a little too hard.
There were nights I left her wailing in the the other room while I
shoved my head under a pillow and screamed if only to drown out her
crying. She was never in danger, she was always taken care of.
She just wasn’t loved by her mother.
I felt broken, yet obligated.
Try telling anyone in this world you don’t love your baby and you’ll hear “Oh yes you do, you’re just tired and overwhelmed.”
“Excuse me, no I don’t.” is what I wanted to say back, but never did. I just forced a smile and said “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
Then at seven months it happened.
I fell in love.
I had been reading Harry Potter to her before I put her to bed. I
turned her around to burp her one last time. She snuggled into me and
fell asleep. Her chubby little hand over my heart.
Just like that I fell in love with her, and I never looked back.
Those were a long seven months.
Editors Pick by Marilyn of slackermama . com: The only words that come close to describing Casey are “painfully awesome”. Or is that “painfully hilarious”? Maybe both. Or maybe (just maybe), words fail to describe this stay at home mom to a three year old cutie pie and wife to a law school student. They all live in Indianapolis, which has its moments. I thought this post was completely awesome because it tells us that it is OKAY not to love your baby the instant it is born. This is a prime example of what makes the mommy blogging community so awesome. We’re all in this together, feel no guilt everyone!
You’ll definitely want to be reading more of moosh in indy and definitely subscribe so you don’t miss a post. You can read the original post here, as well as check out the amazingly supportive comments from her readers.
Editor
Marilyn
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June 30th, 2008
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Category:
Author- Moosh in Indy, Birth, Bonding, Channel- Family, Children, Kids, Teenagers, Editor- Marilyn SlackerMamma, Family, Mothers, Moms, Motherhood, Parenting, Postpartum, Pregnancy
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I know exactly the feeling. I remember still comparing my love for my first born, as my love for our pet dog - honestly. It took a few months before the scales shifted.
Beautiful post.
Gorgeous post - and amazingly beautiful child.
Wow. All kinds of hotness. Heh. Thanks ladies.
I wouldn’t exactly describe this as a normal or guilt-free phenomenon. Yes, lots of us go through this, but it probably indicates a hormonal imbalance. Seriously. Like thyroid imbalance, which is a big cause of post partum depression/ anxiety. Something for sure to tell your doctor about, and don’t be shy — the docs have heard it before too!
Honesty is hard to write about. Loved the falling in love bit…and the picture.
I can totally relate! I don’t agree with liz at all. I do believe it is NORMAL. I am so thankful that I had a few moms describe how it happened to them before I gave birth. I pass the advice to all new moms - It is okay not to love your newborn! In fact I wrote about it here: http://www.themomcrowd.com/it%e2%80%99s-okay-not-to-love-your-newborn
This honest post is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful! Just beautiful! This is the honesty that mothers need from one another. Great job!
It’s brave to write honestly, and I admire you for writing this. I loved the moment you described.
Honest and perfect. I think a lot of us feel like this for a bit…but seven months? You’re a trooper, my friend.
It was so brave of you to hit the submit button on this one! It’s written beautifully and I think many many of us moms can relate but so few would be willing to admit it. I think I fell in love with my son around 5 months. I tend to blame it on those horrific hormones as some of the other commenters did as well.
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